


Take my heart

by Apuzzlingprince



Series: IT Fanfics [16]
Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Eddie both loves and hates his mother, M/M, Possessive Behavior, Possessive Eddie, handjob
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-05 19:20:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16373519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Apuzzlingprince/pseuds/Apuzzlingprince
Summary: Since Bill wasn't speaking, Eddie decided to take this moment to make further declarations. He'd already started, so he might as well finish. “You’re perfect, Bill. You're everything I've ever wanted,” Eddie continued, stroking his fingers along the sharp line of Bill’s jaw. “I would worship you, if you let me.”Bill’s throat bobbed. He placed his fingers over Eddie’s hand, but he didn’t push it away. “That’s not really conducive to a healthy relationship, Eddie.”“I’m done being healthy,” said Eddie, a scowl developing on his lips. “I’m tired of it. I want this. I wantyou.”Eddie loves Bill so much. He loves him so much hehasto do something about it.





	Take my heart

**Author's Note:**

> Here's the first of two Kaspbrough fics I have in the works! I'm not sure when I'll finish the next one, but I'm working on it!

The Denbrough’s kept their back door unlocked. This was not information many were privy to. Just Richie Tozier, a few close friends of Sharon Denbrough, and Eddie Kaspbrak, who stole his way into Bill's bedroom with great regularity to escape the smothering of his mother. A few times she had called the police after he had slept there overnight, but it had, thankfully, not resulted in a mass search as other sleepovers had; at this point, the police knew not to trust her claims that Eddie had gone missing.

He generally visited Bill late at night, while his mother was sleeping. He would creep his way through the backdoor, ascend the stairs, and slip into Bill’s bedroom like a shadow. Sometimes Bill would be awake to greet him. Other times, he would be deep in slumber, and Eddie would slide beneath his bed covers and cuddle up behind him, relishing the heat that radiated through Bill's pyjamas. He could hear Bill’s heartbeat if he put his ear to Bill’s back. He liked listening to the steady thump until he too fell asleep.

When Bill awoke to Eddie in his bed, he never minded. He saw Eddie as something as a surrogate brother, and it was perfectly normal for brothers to share a bed.

Eddie didn’t share that sentiment. The one concerning them being like brothers, that was. He had thought of Bill in familial terms as a young boy, ignorant of his own feelings, but he knew the truth now: he loved Bill Denbrough. He had loved him for a very, very long time without even realising it. He thought him the strongest, most perfect man he had ever met. With those beautiful big blue eyes, cropped auburn hair, full lips, and high cheekbones, just the sight of him was enough to make Eddie’s heart flutter. And god, when he spoke… was it odd to be attracted to someone’s voice? Because Eddie often found himself masturbating to Bill’s dulcet tones.

Having discovered his libido a few years prior, Eddie had taken to watching Bill’s lips work. He would imagine rather lewd things as he did, which had only become more explicit as he'd aged. Bill had an oral fixation, constantly chewing on the end of a pen or pencil, and even that was enough to get Eddie worked up.

These thoughts had scared him, in the beginning. He'd been scared of being gay, and scared of his feelings for Bill, and scared of what people would think of him - _especially_ his mother. He’d spent so many years in the closet, deep in denial, that finally accepting his sexuality had required a lot of time and introspection. With the AID’s crisis having recently ravaged the gay community, he'd had his fear of illness to contend with as well.

But accepting himself had gotten easier when he’d become an adult. He didn’t have to worry about being rejected at school because he didn’t go to school anymore. He didn’t have to worry about his mother forcing his into conversion therapy because she no longer held that power over him. He didn’t have to worry about his friends rejecting him, either, as Beverly had recently come out as a lesbian, and Richie had confided in him that he’d had a crush on Bill when they had been kids. (‘Not anymore’, Richie had claimed, but Eddie felt a strange chill constrict around his heart anyway.)

He hadn’t told any of the others yet that he was gay. It wasn’t fear of rejection that compelled him to keep his sexuality secret. The other Losers would accept him; he didn’t doubt that. They would have accepted him even if he’d announced that he was a relative of Satan. No – it was Bill. He didn’t want Bill figuring out his feelings. He didn’t want Bill to look back at their interactions and see the romantic element in them. If he did, it could change their relationship, and Eddie couldn’t be sure it would be for the better.

It wasn’t hard to keep it secret. He’d been keeping secrets from his mother his entire life, so what was one more? Having thought he was straight for the first fourteen years of his life, his act was convincing enough. He feigned crushes, showed a healthy interest in straight porn, and parroted some of the sexual remarks Richie had made over the years (which pained him to do, but he wouldn’t be much of a straight guy if he didn’t make the occasional joke about girl’s breasts).

It was only when he was an adult, mere weeks before he was due to leave Derry to attend his chosen college, that everything came to a head.

You see, he hadn’t wanted to leave without getting a kiss from Bill. Just one kiss. He thought, if he could just get that one kiss, it would be enough to get him through the next few years. One kiss to give him strength for college. That was what he told himself, anyway, though it probably had more to do with the fact he was afraid this was the last opportunity he’d ever have to be close to Bill.

He crept into the Denbrough house, tracing the same steps he had as a child. The house had been cold in Bill’s youth, but it was even colder than usual these days. Zack Denbrough’s death had deprived Bill’s mother of what little life she’d had left in her. She hadn’t cooked or cleaned in months. Plates were piling up in the kitchen, photos of Georgie and Zack had been taken down, and every bin was overflowing with the empty boxes of microwave dinners. When he passed the parlour, it looked as though the piano inside hadn't been used in years.

Bill hadn’t invited him over since his father’s death, and now Eddie knew why. He shivered.

He made his way up the stairs and moved silently through the hallway, peering into each bedroom as he passed them. Bill’s mother was fast asleep, curled up on her side of the bed. Georgie Denbrough’s room was the only place in the house that looked to have been dusted recently. Bill’s room contained Bill, naturally, and he was asleep on his back, snoring quietly. Eddie stepped through the threshold and closed the door behind him, careful to avoid the _click_ by twisting and holding the handle.

Bill didn’t stir as he approached the bed. His heart hammered in his chest, slamming against his rib cage. He was dizzy with anxiety but excited as well, maybe even exhilarated. Bill’s lips were slightly parted. His soft breaths turned to mist in the frigid night air, his lithe chest rising and falling. The microwave meals hadn’t been good on his body. He’d become skinny, losing the definition in his arms and legs he'd developed through years of bike riding. Eddie still thought him beautiful, his gaze dragging from Bill’s chest to his legs, one of which was curled over the blanket, exposed to the night air. Eddie would have covered it for him, but he didn’t want to wake Bill up.

He gave a nervous swallow as he came to a stop beside Bill. His nerves were making him jittery. He couldn’t kiss Bill while jittery. He took a few deep, calming breaths and gave his hands a shake, trying to rid them of the tremble they had developed.

For several long minutes, all Eddie did was watch Bill sleep. His breaths were soft and slow. His eyes were moving behind his eyelids. Sometimes he twitched or released a breath, but he didn’t stir; he must have been deep in the REM stage of sleep.

Leaning down, Eddie inched closer to Bill’s mouth. His lips looked so warm and welcoming. He’d only kissed one person before, and that had been a girl, and he hadn’t enjoyed it at all. The alcoholic daze he’d been in at the time hadn’t been enough to distract him from the fact his partner was a woman and not a man – not _Bill_.

He was sure he would enjoy this.

Taking one last, deep breath, he brought their lips together. Bill’s mouth was warm and soft. His breath hit Eddie’s lips and Eddie shivered with exhilaration, leaning into that warmth. It wasn’t as chaste as it should have been; he was getting carried away, getting lost in the heat of Bill’s mouth and the plushness of his lips, but he had wanted to do this since he was fourteen, and he had waited such a long time. He wanted to indulge a little. _Needed_ to.

He closed his eyes. He simply stood there, bent over Bill’s bed, their lips brushing. He could have done this for hours, for years. For the rest of his life.

“Eddie,” Bill murmured, and Eddie froze, his heart stuttering in his chest.

He thought – hoped – that Bill had mumbled in his sleep, but Bill shifted away and Eddie looked up and saw Bill staring at him through the dark, his blue eyes rendered almost luminescent by the moonlight. He regarded Eddie dazedly.

“Were you k-kissing me?” he asked. Or stammered, rather. He hadn’t stammered in three years. Apparently waking to one of your best friends kissing you was enough to bring back a speech impediment.

Eddie looked guiltily away. “I… I… um…” He didn’t have an answer. He hadn’t planned for this.

Bill rubbed at his eyes, dragging himself up against the headboard. “Why?”

He didn’t sound angry, nor upset, but Eddie’s heart was accelerating anyway, thudding so hard in his chest that he thought it might bounce up into his throat. He almost wished it would. Asphyxiating on his own heart was preferable to trying to explain himself.

“I just- I really wanted to, and we- we’re leaving soon, and-“ He felt a panic attack coming on and clutched the front of his shirt, stumbling back. His fingers groped at Bill’s beside table for leverage. He’d really fucked up this time.

Bill shot upright, reaching for him. “W-whao, Eds, calm down! I’m not upset!” He managed to grab Eddie’s arm before Eddie could retreat out of range, dragging him back. He yanked Eddie’s aspirator out of Eddie’s pocket and forced it between Eddie’s lips, crushing a finger down on the top. A blast of faintly medicinal tasting water soared down Eddie’s throat and into his lungs.

Slowly, Eddie managed to recover some of his composure. He cast Bill a look of gratitude. “You’re…” he began, speaking hesitantly. “You’re not mad?”

“No,” said Bill, guiding Ed to sitting on the edge of his bed. “Confused, more than anything.”

“Sorry,” he said quietly, his voice a scraping whisper.

Bill gave his arm a reassuring squeeze. “Don’t apologise. Just tell me why you’re in my room at- uh, what’s the time?”

Eddie swallowed hard. His hands were shaking. “One,” he answered.

“One,” Bill breathed, shaking his head. “Way too early, Eddie.”

“I know.” He looked down at his knees. “This was dumb.”

“It’s- it’s okay. Don’t worry about it.” Bill turned him until they were able to make eye contact. “You gonna tell me what’s going on? Because it’s cold and I kind of want to get back to sleep at some point tonight.”

Eddie took an unsteady breath. It was time to come clean. He’d waited long enough. “Bill, I just- I _love_ you, that’s why. I love you so much.” He curled his hands into fists, his knuckles turning white. Confessions weren’t nearly as easy as rom-coms made them out to be. Now that he had begun, however, the words were coming hard and fast. “I’ve loved you ever since we were kids. I didn’t tell you because I was afraid you might not want me back, but I think about you every day and night, and I think you’re beautiful and perfect, and I always feel warm and safe with you, and I just wanted to kiss you so badly.” He finally looked up at Bill, who was staring at him, wide-eyed. He hadn’t demonstrated disgust, nor rejected Eddie. Eddie took that as a good sign. “I love you so much I would die for you, Bill. I love you so much.”

“Eddie…”

Eddie felt hope rise in him.

“Eddie,” said Bill again. “That’s a l-little… um… it’s an odd announcement.”

“What do you mean?” asked Eddie, a chill sloshing through his veins, driving away what little hope he’d had of a successful night.

“I mean…” Bill worried a hand up through his hair. “You would die for me? That’s… it’s just not something you should feel.”

“But I do feel it,” Eddie insisted. He turned on the mattress, sliding a hand to Bill’s cheek, finding bravery in having made his confession. “And I know you would die for me, Bill. For all of us. I know that, and I would do the same for you.”

“I guess, but…” He trailed off into silence, seemingly at a loss for how to respond to Eddie's announcement.

Since Bill wasn't speaking, Eddie decided to take this moment to make further declarations. He'd already started, so he might as well finish. “You’re perfect, Bill. You're everything I've ever wanted,” Eddie continued, stroking his fingers along the sharp line of Bill’s jaw. “I would worship you, if you let me.”

Bill’s throat bobbed. He placed his fingers over Eddie’s hand, but he didn’t push it away. “That’s not really conducive to a healthy relationship, Eddie.”

“I’m _done_ being healthy,” said Eddie, a scowl developing on his lips. “I’m tired of it. I want this. I want _you_.”

A faint blush bloomed in Bill’s cheeks. He cleared his throat and looked away. “What e-exactly do you want?” he asked quietly.

“I just…” Eddie shifted further up the bed, sliding a hand to the hump of Bill’s knee. “I want to… to touch you. I want something to take to college with me.”

“Touch, how?” asked Bill.

“How do you think, Bill?” said Eddie, growing impatient. If Bill was going to reject him, he needed to do it outright, not jerk Eddie around. Eddie got enough of that kind of behaviour from his mother.

Bill glanced to his bedroom door, hesitating, and then slowly lifted his blanket. Eddie stared at him for a long moment, uncomprehending.

“It’s an invitation,” he said, gesturing for Eddie to join him.

Eddie didn’t need to be told twice. He shunted off his shoes with his toes and clambered into the bed, crawling atop Bill. His knees sunk into the mattress at either side of Bill’s waist. Bill let the blanket drop, covering both of them.

“Bill,” said Eddie quietly, settling over him, his body slotted between Bill’s legs. “Can I…?”

Bill wriggled beneath him, making himself comfortable. “Go ahead.”

Eddie reached between their bodies, his fingers splaying over the pale expanse of Bill’s stomach. He felt the dip of his bellybutton, traced the curls trailing up from his crotch, and thumbed the waistband of Bill’s pyjama bottoms. Bill held very still, swallowing and blushing. He was watching Eddie’s progress as best he could through the dark. The only illumination they had was that of the moonlight streaming in through the window.

Eddie watched Bill through his eyelashes, observing him an almost reverent manner. Bill had no idea of just how beautiful he was.

“I wish you could come to my college or I could go to yours,” he murmured, delving into Bill’s trousers and wrapping his hand around Bill’s cock. He stroked slowly at first, in no hurry. He wanted to draw this out. “We could do this every day.”

Bill covered his mouth with a hand, breathing unsteadily past his fingers. He was probably worried about waking his mother. Eddie had felt that very thing many a time throughout his childhood and he found it an endearing look on Bill. 

He moved so he was draped over Bill’s side and nosed his way beneath Bill’s jaw, closing his lips over Bill’s thrumming pulse point. It accelerated as he stroked, pulsing harder, faster, and Eddie wondered if he would feel Bill’s blood rushing if he pressed his tongue to it. He could certainly feel the blush developing on Bill’s skin.

“E-Ed,” Bill whimpered, and Eddie relished the sound.

He’d never heard Bill sound so soft before, so vulnerable. It was Bill’s strength that had attracted Eddie to him, but there was a certain appeal to seeing him like this, in a way no one else ever had, and maybe no one else ever would. Eddie would have liked that, to have this all to himself. It would be one of the few things his mother couldn’t take from him. He loved her – he did, and he always would, but god, he was a grown man, and he needed his independence and everything that came with it.

He applied light kisses to the underside of Bill’s jaw, working his thumb over the slit as he did so. It always felt good when he did it to himself, and Bill seemed to share this sentiment, and he let out a breathy little sound and bucked his hips, seeking further contact.

Eddie smiled, licking a short stripe up Bill’s throat. He tasted of salt and musk, and faintly fruity; he must’ve used something scented when showering that morning.

“I love you so much, Bill,” Eddie murmured, his eyelashes fluttering, flicking over Bill’s skin. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”

He peeked at Bill’s face, and saw it was even redder than before. His eyes looked glassy. Not with anguish, thankfully, but with pleasure, and perhaps gratitude. After losing Georgie and his parents’ love in one fell swoop, Eddie supposed Bill hadn’t heard those words in a very long time. Eddie would have to make up for that.

“I love you,” he said quietly, with reverence, stroking faster and driving his thumb hard against the tip of Bill’s cock. It had turned a pretty pink. “I love you,” he said again, watching as Bill bit his bottom lip and twisted his fingers into the blankets, struggling for composure. His pectorals strained against his pyjama shirt. Even after losing so much weight, they were still reasonably well defined. “I love you. God, Bill, I love you.”

Bill finished with a strangled gasp, arching up off the bed, his head thudding to his pillow. Eddie made sure to cup his hand over the head of Bill’s cock and prevent the ejaculation from staining the bed sheets. It was warm and sticky on his fingers, and he considered, briefly, using it as lubrication for a far more strenuous activity – but Bill was already panting and red-face, with only a thread of self-control intact, and Eddie didn’t really want to end up waking Bill’s mother.

Besides, they still had a few weeks before they were due to part for college. There would be time for that later.

He placed a quick kiss on Bill’s lips and retrieved a tissue box from Bill’s bedside table, using them to wipe his hand clean. He scrunched the sullied tissues up and briefly left the bed to place them in the bin. He wasn’t about to throw cum-stained tissues on Bill’s carpet.

Bill had managed to pull his trousers back up by the time he returned, but he was still shivering and panting. Eddie lay back down beside him, curling his arms around Bill’s waist and tucking Bill under his chin. He held him like something precious and delicate. And he was, really; Bill was the most precious, delicate thing in Derry, and only Eddie would ever know.  

Bill’s breathing slowly started to even out. He looked over his shoulder at Eddie through half-lidded eyes, smiling sloppily.

“That was nice.” He wiped a hand down his face. “But still, you don’t have to worship me.” He looked at Eddie with such love and concern that Eddie had to bite his tongue to restrain a smile. He liked that look. “I c-care about you, you know?”

“I know,” said Eddie, and he loved hearing it, that Bill cared about him. “Do you love me, Bill?” he asked.

“Of course I do,” said Bill, without even hesitating to answer. “Of course I love you, Eddie.”

“More than the others?” he murmured against Bill’s neck.

Bill paused, this time. “I love everyone. But I would o-only ever do _this_ with you, Eddie. I promise you that.”

“Good,” said Eddie, holding Bill close, his breath disturbing the fine curls at the nape of Bill’s neck. “Good.”


End file.
